The Art of Sacrifice and Unity in Marriage
Summary
- Selfless Love in Marriage
- The Example of Carpentry in Unity
- Joining Imperfect Pieces
- Changing Preferences Over Time
- Balanced Sacrifice
- Learning from Saint Monica
- The Power of Prayer in Marriage
- A Personal and Shared Spiritual Life
Selfless Love in Marriage
It's easy for a man to court a woman and give her flowers and chocolates, etc., when he's looking for something for himself. But it's less interesting, shall we say, to do so when it's simply an expression of wanting her happiness. That's a difficult concept for us to comprehend. The same goes for a woman. It’s easy for her to welcome her husband into a nice, loving home when she wants something from the relationship, but not just because it's good for him. Whatever the circumstances may be, men and women are different for a purpose. They’re meant to protect each other and find happiness together by leaving parts of themselves behind and joining more completely with one another.
The Example of Carpentry in Unity
An example I like to use is one from carpentry. If you look at the pews, they’re not made from a single piece; they’re several pieces joined seamlessly together. You can’t even fit a piece of paper between those boards. It’s not just because of the glue but because of the joint. The joining is so perfect there’s no space between them. How? It’s a bit violent. You use a tool called a joiner, essentially fine, sharp metal, and run the boards over it multiple times from the same angle, until they start coming together. Then, you still need to sand and file it to make the joining even more seamless.
Joining Imperfect Pieces
This analogy reflects one of the hardest things newlyweds experience: they tend to think it’s all going to be a honeymoon. Then they notice small things, like him not picking up his socks or her cooking not matching his mom’s. These little things are imperfections, like sawdust coming off with each pass of the joiner. Some are painful, some are brutal, but each imperfection we sand down brings us closer together, until no one can see the distinction. That’s the goal of every married couple, a perfect joining where they share such unity, though maintaining individual personalities.
Changing Preferences Over Time
Over the years, spouses begin picking up each other’s traits. That’s normal and natural. I’ve noticed it with my own parents, and I’m sure many can think of examples around them. It’s the small things—accents, hand gestures, preferences. My dad likes mushrooms now; it took 50 years, but he does! These changes reflect the sacrifice of adopting a taste or preference for the other’s sake. They’re a natural result of sharing a life. Preferences are not absolutes, so we shouldn’t impose them on our spouse. But neither should we refuse to appreciate what our spouse enjoys.
Balanced Sacrifice
In marriage, there must be balance. When it’s all give and no take from one side, it leads to problems. Unfortunately, one spouse may sometimes bear more sacrifices and feel neglected. However, while I extol sacrifice, it has limits. No sacrifice should cause harm to oneself. Just as Our Lady told the children at Fatima to stop hurting themselves with chains, our sacrifices shouldn’t be to our detriment. Sacrifice is like shaving boards; take too much away, and you risk splitting the wood. Sacrifice must benefit both the marriage and the individual.
Learning from Saint Monica
Saint Monica’s example is extraordinary but not for everyone. We’re not required to endure all as she did. Not every wife is Saint Monica, and that’s okay. Sacrifice is only worthwhile in the long run when united with Christ. Ultimately, any true sacrifice must be born of love and be good for both partners, while being united to Christ’s own sacrifice.
The Power of Prayer in Marriage
This is why we include prayer in marriage. For those who have attended a traditional marriage, it’s quite short—blessing of the ring, vows, and that’s it. But the church wants Mass as part of it, so we have nuptial Masses. The first act a couple performs as a couple is to join their lives with Christ’s sacrifice. Love isn’t love if God isn’t in the equation, and sacrifice isn’t sacrifice without Christ.
A Personal and Shared Spiritual Life
Prayer time is essential for families. As individuals, everyone has unique tastes in mental prayer, but there should be common family prayer times—morning prayers, evening prayers, the Rosary. Make the Rosary a daily activity. Even if spouses pass each other at the door some days, find a common time to pray together. The Rosary is a common weapon, a tool gaining strength with more people joining in.
A strong personal interior life with meditation, spiritual reading, and scripture is equally important. For example, my father loves St. Thérèse of Lisieux, while my mother prefers St. John of the Cross. You don’t have to share the same preferences; that’s fine because you’re still individuals with unique ways of connecting with God. But vocal prayer should be shared. It’s a bonding activity that unites spouses.
So those three elements—sacrifice, love, and unity with Christ—are essential. Sacrifice must be given freely, out of love, and united with Christ, without causing harm. This spirit of sacrifice is crucial today, as the world often makes marriage about self-interest. But as Christians, we must guard against that and seek unity and selflessness within marriage.